Becoming Real

Last post

2010-05-03T06:48:00.000-07:00

In half an hour I leave to go write ... an exam in ...

of all things psychology....

how the mind works and what are the processes...

I ... time to clean up my room and clean out the junk.

The reality is... it's just me now... alone.

I burnt all the bridges that lead to this a while back.

I'm just another member of the walking dead.

Waiting for death.

Not going, not learning, not saving.

And I am going to give up the blogging as well.

Just quite now... my memories to myself.

Clive Wearing is blessed.

You can't

2010-05-02T17:25:00.000-07:00

There is no going back.

This hasn't been a complete loss. The question is... do I try to go back if the government changes and the property tax gets squashed.

This ... career... was not of my own choosing.

I probably... would have liked something.... more mom.

But the reality is.... I am what I am...

I can't change that...

What do I take away from this last year...

2010-05-02T17:15:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamed that I was a child
Out where the pines grow wild and tall
I was trying to make it home through the forest
Before the darkness falls
I heard the wind rustling through the trees
And ghostly voices rose from the fields
I ran with my heart pounding down that broken path
With the devil snappin' at my heels

I broke through the trees, and there in the night
My father's house stood shining hard and bright
The branches and brambles tore my clothes and scratched my arms
But I ran till I fell, shaking in his arms

I awoke and I imagined the hard things that pulled us apart
Will never again, sir, tear us from each other's hearts
I got dressed, and to that house I did ride
From out on the road, I could see its windows shining in light

I walked up the steps and stood on the porch
A woman I didn't recognize came and spoke to me through a chained door
I told her my story, and who I'd come for
She said "I'm sorry, son, but no one by that name lives here anymore"

My father's house shines hard and bright
It stands like a beacon calling me in the night
Calling and calling, so cold and alone
Shining `cross this dark highway where our sins lie unatoned

Finding Nemo

2010-04-28T15:51:00.001-07:00

Dory -- Cognitive Neuropsychology in action.

I am so sad.

But so is this country.

Tired

2010-04-18T16:40:00.000-07:00

And .... distracted.

Must learn to focus.

Reading

2010-04-14T19:29:00.001-07:00

http://lordstrangeoftt.blogspot.com

http://nastylittletruths.wordpress.com/

Paiget's Formal Operation

2010-04-14T17:08:00.000-07:00

The problem with this country is the inability to apply general principles across disciplines.

With so many not reaching past primary school.... they are stuck at concrete operations.

And so are unable to develop true heuristics.

Desperate times

2010-04-14T15:52:00.001-07:00

Clearly....

Some of us have decided...

we have no hope.

And are willing to risk our lives.

No right....

2010-04-12T22:06:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlhWH08NdyM

No hope

2010-04-07T15:28:00.000-07:00

I don't mind saying I voted for Daniel Solomon last election.

Please note, I say Daniel Solomon not COP.

Because, his sister's blog entry, ....

Made him human.

That is not what the selection committe is looking for... and I don't vote party.

Imagine,.. this big hard back man is still no more than a little brother.

And no one wants to remember what happened.

Frances captures the feeling surrounding this time so well, and here we go again.

If we do not know our history... we are doomed to repeat the same mistakes.

There is no hope for this country.

March to Caroni

2010-03-29T15:51:00.000-07:00

I went to March to Caroni.

That was really good.

I ... the reality is that UWI ...

I question if it is offering internationally competitive courses.

Not doing reading and writing as part of language for cognitive psych...

Does not seem right to me.

And I'm not willing to fight up with ... all the administrative nonsense.

But for my own understanding... I will continue...

this year.. to do some of the courses, ... human development.

Why? cause... I want to.. for myself.

If things had been different... maybe I would have made this a career.

I can see that working well for me.

But... I've had my chance.

Patronus

2010-03-26T22:08:00.000-07:00

I once said at the end of this, I wanted a new patronus.

The fact is...

My patronus is the same.

The fact is ... nothing can change the past nor the future.

What I do.. is ... does not define me.

Not about Money

2010-03-23T19:51:00.000-07:00

This was never about money.

Money can help, but this was about...

taking people for granted and ... forgetting debts that cannot be repaid.

I don't know, maybe I am too eastern. Somehow.

Never mind I don't speak Chinese/ Cantonese.

Respect for elders, to me is still paramount.

I should .... she took me to montesouri every day for a year. To Common Entrance lessons.

Rearranged her schedule... because mommy asked. Mom didn't drive.

She put up money, without interest when my parents did not have the fees for university for my sister and brother.

So excuse me, if I think Ms and Mr big shots in foreign can't give a rats ass about the little old lady with the leaky roof and the cracked tile bathroom.

She's my mommy's sister. And she forgets now that mommy is dead.

It's a little freaky.

The last living sister in Trinidad.

She .... she is all I have left...

I'm scared. Always scared.

When I lose her... how do I define myself.

First (Spanglish) ... I am my mother's daughter.

Now ... I am my aunt's niece.

What do I become without aunt?

Ask no questions be told no lies

2010-03-21T19:11:00.000-07:00

Propagnosia

2010-03-20T19:11:00.000-07:00

It means I don't recognise faces.

You are all faceless to me. I am a ghost.

A bit of cold, stirring past the living, a chill.

I died a long time ago.

Just one of the living dead.

Not going

2010-03-19T19:22:00.000-07:00

I have decided that so long as my aunt is alive. I will not leave her side.
Despite whether or not she thinks she deserves more.... I do.
And she wont let me help her.
And she is all I have left.
Sometimes courage is tackling the devil you know, rather than the unknown.

I'm not really interested in anything that is offered locally, So I will look for something online, in the field I have chosen.

We make life choices, depending on the circumstances which apply at the time of the decision.
That's life.

Gay...

2010-03-10T16:20:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time.

No one who has asked me, for a long time.

Do you like girls?

That was truly a priceless moment.

Rainbow vibes.

Pride.

....

Do I have any pride ...?

Silent all these years.

I'm scared

2010-03-09T06:00:00.000-08:00

First test in eight years. Multiple choice, 1 minute per question.

The last test I took in 2006, I failed.

I was working a four day work week and had lost interest in the subject.

Had decided if I was going to do my masters it had to be done full time.

Focus get it over with.

Managed to land another job.

Until ... global meltdown.

I'm anxious. Making little cuts. My mouths. Red lips.

And I am very aware that even if I am successful.

There is still a huge boulder.

My aunt.

Stood up to arranged marriage at age 14.

She .... will not let me help her.

I can't leave this country.

The discipline I wish to pursue is not offered in this country.

.... Are there any other options?

One step at a time.

12 c copies

2010-03-07T16:43:00.000-08:00

Thank you office express.

I have successfully cut myself off from everyone.

No one calls.

Silence.

Sound of silence.

Oh, so Harry Potter and the order of the phoenix.

But there is no one sitting with you in the exam.

Alone...

Three weeks and the pink poui blossoms

2010-02-27T16:49:00.000-08:00

SEA is three weeks away. And so are my midterms.

Academic life suits me at this point in my life.

I am enjoying ... time.

Article to be reviewed for Mondays tutorial

Can the Brain be trained? COmparing the literature on the use of EEG Biofeedback/ Neurofeedback as an alternative or complementary therapy for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder ADHD.

Time to get down to it.

Forget it

2010-02-17T18:02:00.000-08:00

I suppose, as much as I would like to reconcile with my sister.

As much as I understand, how hard it must have been for her as a medical professional,

to stand back,

to not DO anything, in the treatment of my mother.

Words ...

Why am I doing this ?

Because, we are all human.

And when I watch this...

I don't care what SKIN

they had.

It was the beauty of the solution.

A lasting retort to Racial Prejudice in this country.

Kiss my ass, SOBs.

Manic

2010-02-15T17:09:00.000-08:00

So my sister thinks I am manic.

I am sleeping and I'm OK.

Watching house and will do the reading for the cognitive psychology lecture on Thursday.

I will also do the tutorial prep.

Was I manic this time last year ? YES, most definitely YES.

Will I eventually, wind back down to 'normal' parameter operations.

YES.

It takes time. I've been here before. Third time in my life.

Take a time out.

True mania is no sleep.

True mania is bad.

Obsession.

I'm coping.

One day at a time.

Tired

2010-02-14T15:32:00.000-08:00

Why am I doing this ?

Because, because I'm tired.

For many years, I was one of the jet set.

And I still lime with members of the jet set.

The next trip.

Buenos Aires, Iguazu, Machu Pichu.

Spending $3000 on a long weekend holiday.

But if the price of us, living the 'first world' lifestyle.

Is the person behind you, being unable to fix the roof of their house.

Or having enough time to take care of their kids.

It just makes you stop, dead in your tracks.

Because....

Because..

The philippines .. will not be enriched by a six week holiday maker.

One more tourist.

But, ...

Hopefully once all the human anatomy, physiology, psychology and sociology

get put together.

Just the way, a few people out there have learnt 'i' is always capital "I"

Because I spent the time, that wasn't given before.

Holidays, whilst important.

The work will take less toll on my soul, long term.

Why is lymphoderma caused by arthritis anyway ?

Time to beat the books.

Pain

2010-02-11T17:49:00.000-08:00

Nociceptors.

You would think this is important for clinical practice.

Hence included in the Sensation, Perception, Attention

parts of the Cognitive Psychology course.

Of course not.

Lecturer never worked in a clinic.

Clinical practicioner goes like .... most people who come to me... are like ill.

Pain .... is an important topic to cover.

This why... sometimes you do wonder... why do we go to university.

Just as well, I am designing my own programme, with two teachers.

Academic and Clinical Practioner.

Steups.

People will always dissappoint you

2010-02-09T16:03:00.000-08:00

Rely on no one and trust no one.

And certainly don't expect gratitude.

Lets face it, caring isn't worth it.

Just do whatever you feel and who gives a shit about anyone else.

Suicide, is a definite option.

The first person to jump off the fly over.

Welcome to the european model of development.

60 years behind

2010-02-04T17:09:00.001-08:00

That's what an american professor said today.

Seems like I wasn't imagining living in 1955 last year.

Happy

2010-01-28T19:29:00.000-08:00

My life is a far cry from what it was ...

Sometimes I still laugh at how the world changed me.

After all.

UWI

2010-01-26T17:45:00.000-08:00

Part time education... part time work.

If last year this time, you would have told me I would have been doing this, I would have said - Yeah right.

Life is funny...

Take it as it comes.

Persistence

2010-01-20T17:00:00.001-08:00

This is a story about persistence.

If you really want something. Keep knocking on doors.

Somebody, usually. Saids yes.

It might take some time but..

The journey is the important thing.

Role - paid work

2010-01-19T20:08:00.000-08:00

The thing about being a care giver, is that it is the most undervalued profession in the world.

The other thing is, I don't want to be Aunty.

I don't want to be stuck in a house alone by myself.

And I do get something from sitting with her.

I learnt more about life from her in the last year than I learnt in University.

And I want to help.

A rather large stumbling block seems to be in my path.

But .... maybe this is the opportunity.

To become Aunty in turn.

She used to pick me up and drop me to Common Entrance lessons in another school for the entire year.

I will never forget that.

And it is due to that time that we spent that I can still ... FEEL... her.

Words are not necessary.

It is something which I can't explain, but it is a sense of well being.

You OK, I'm OK.

My mother's sister.

The closest person to my mother, left in this country.

.... time....

I asked over a year ago now.

No it doesn't.

Bizarrely enough, this still seems right.

STEUPS.

CAPE Biology - requirement

2010-01-18T15:18:00.000-08:00

May 17.... Uhm

Possible.

Theory - yes

Lab skills ?

My aunt

2010-01-17T16:07:00.000-08:00

She's just an old chinese lady. Well, technically she is 3/4 chinese, 1/8 African, 1/8 Scottish.

She didn't want an arranged marriage at 14.

She moved out on her own.

It wasn't easy.

Now she is old.

Trapped in her house, Lonely. Scared. Her fingers are curling, rheumatoid arthritis.

Last year around this time she fell down.

She was on the floor for four hours.

And .......... I realised, I am her. Very similiar.

Ironically, doing the same job, in the same institution.

Separated by 55 years.

And as I look at my future.

I .... I ... I

....... there is no alternative !#@

Now, UWI, won't even let me do the prerequisites to be a candidate for occupational therapy.

Sociology... Emile Durkheim... Suicide. Data from 1850.

There is wisdom in knowing when to give up.

But first I need to convince a few others to pursue the courses I dare attempt to make the argument, that a person trained to deal with the whole person, might be a necessary skill set in the health care sector.

I'm scared

2010-01-13T19:03:00.000-08:00

Little boys don't have a problem saying " I'm scared."

What happens as they get older?

Normally I am the first one to cream my cousin's husband.

He lazy, he doh help. He not interested in the kids.

But over the last year, well....

the truth is

in generational terms... they didn't grow up with examples of fathers that well...

did stuff like that..

and they are struggling with coming to terms with...

being different.

I always thought being a lesbian meant that kids was out of the question.

And Iz not really feminine.

But I don't know, it must be hormones or something.

I turn 30 and find ...

I don't want to be mother, Auntie will suffice.

But the kid thing.

Something inside me just wants to give back... legacy I suppose.

Uhmmm....

It is sad to say... I think I am becoming ... my aunt.

Math

2010-01-11T16:40:00.000-08:00

Math is only fun so long as you are able to apply the concepts in a practical context.

Doing test papers is not going to help, well it will with speed but not with concepts.

Recipes: Proportions make six cookies or something,
Take it down from a higher serving side.

Work it out in advance yourself and get her to do it on the fly.

Make trapeziums out of straws and pasticine.

Use play money to work out sums, let her buy stuff. Do the groceries, - cheat with a calculator.
Compare prices.

Maths is supposed to be practical.

Whether it be rearranging furniture for translations. Make a model house.

I am preparing a child as well.

And I've already gone from I can't do math, to this is so exciting.

Legacy

2010-01-05T22:57:00.000-08:00

Why does no one want my money?

Madoff, targeted institutions of learning, so he could live the high life.

I've benefited from that mentality.

I got a bursary. And I've been Turkey, Guatemala.

I like this idea, I think when the system is broken, those who have benefited should give back.

It's not much, it's just enough to provoke interest. See if we can create some candidates.

Year's End

2009-12-28T20:51:00.000-08:00

Tonight...

I can't sleep.

I am haunted by what a banker told me on Sunday.

..." What would I have to pay you to hear your advice on the economic crisis and 20/20 development goals for Trinidad. "

....

THEY DO NOT GET IT !!!!

GDP per capita my foot.

When 20% of the people own 46% of the wealth of a country.

Like the good doctor, I will help patch the casualities.

Laura's Portfolio Photo Gallery - Photo 22 of 42 by Blue Rose Tattoo Parlour - MySpace Photos

2009-12-05T18:22:00.000-08:00

Laura's Portfolio Photo Gallery - Photo 22 of 42 by Blue Rose Tattoo Parlour - MySpace Photos

My mother

2009-12-05T18:18:00.000-08:00

Ever present
Missing

... I know I have since surpassed her .... the life she lived.

For the last few years, I have travelled the career path of my father.

Better paid
Flying all over the place
Representing the interests of CARICOM - 6 Million people.

Now, it seems I have reached a turning point in my life.

The only words I whispered on visiting her grave were

"I am too you not to try this"

And ....

I am enjoying it.

The surgeon thinks his job ends once the patient leaves the hospital.

The person who visits the home, makes it safe, helps the family caregivers learn what changes will be necessary.

Teaches the patient, how to dress. Lymphodema. The swelling of her arm post op.
The tricks to using the 'fake breast', post masectomy.
Rigs the splint so that her hand is in a good position at night.
Makes a comb so that with restricted mobility, she can comb what hair she has left.

.....

That job....

Is an occupational therapist.
And I so wish that the person I am now understudying was there then.

But .... you can't change the past. .... BLUE ROSE, Left breast.

Life is scary

2009-12-02T18:48:00.000-08:00

Now my father is sick. And may need surgery.

Doctors aren't all knowing. Nature humbles us every day.

In good company

2009-12-01T16:14:00.000-08:00

I think I am in good company.

Belong ?

Birthday

2009-11-30T14:31:00.000-08:00

Next week Monday, is my 30th Birthday.

30 years on this 'sitting up mud'.

Am I real yet ?

No...

but getting there.

In January a little terrified girl got unleashed.

She's scared and confused and he mother is dying.

Biological mechanisms are unknown.

Biology is bad...

Bright girl... can't help.

... growing up hurts...

Rabbit on hind legs... tattoo on right calf.

blue rose on left breast.

Real...

Mastectomy

2009-11-26T19:17:00.000-08:00

The wound my mother had would bleed. There would be blood on the pillows, her clothes. Her arm got as big as her thigh.

She wore a blue dress and had the blue tattoo.

I've requested the book for christmas.

I'm drinking again.

... No spell

Kin

2009-11-25T14:32:00.000-08:00

I suppose you are liable to meet people who remind you of loved ones both living and dead.

It does help to recognise the resonance, before transference gets out of hand.

So what was this about....

Layout

2009-11-23T17:28:00.001-08:00

Definitely a work in progress.

But time to move from the darkness and lighten up a bit.

Words of Wisdom

2009-11-21T13:10:00.000-08:00

http://delaney55.wordpress.com/2008/06/02/tattoos-and-their-stigmas-and-stereotyping-women-and-their-ink/

A blue rose represents the unattainable.

It will be placed over my left breast.

What I wanted most for this year was ....

One last conversation with my dead mother

to say...

a thousand things....

How hurt I was that she withheld the extent of her diagnosis when I was fourteen.
Five years to live... stage 3 breast cancer that had metastasised.

There was never any getting better.

But not wanting to jeapordise my chances,... my academics...
she withheld the diagnosis from me.

Denying me the opportunity to learn to embrace sickness and death for what it is...

A part of life.

As I watch the therapist I volunteer with now. I wish she was part of the treatment team all those years ago.

Even now, there are only nine in the entire country.

And surgeons don't take the time for after surgery care.

We don't have the interdisciplinary teams

Dietmyian
Physiotherapist
General practicioner
Onocologist
Therapeutic radiologist
Occupational therapist
Nurse

The health care system is a mess.

But ... my mother had a daughter...

and she is very bright, won a national scholarship for science subjects.

There is a long hard road ahead.

But it looks promising... because...it's time... I stepped up

For every bastard, an angel

2009-11-20T15:11:00.000-08:00

I've generally found that this saying is true.

Thank you for showing me compassion.

Blue Rose Breast

2009-11-20T14:00:00.000-08:00

In honor of my mother

Breast Cancer killed her.

October 26, 1998